Spinal Tap & Bird Collections

Its been awhile my lovelies.  My apologies in advance, this is not my usual post of bush whacking, cock sizing, love bashing ramblings.  No, no tonight for my return post we take a small detour to the dark side of myself, the serious realistic side.  I’m going to stray from my commentary on dating and lust and discontentment with said actions.  Tonight, tonight you are going to get a raw, emotional uncensored peek at myself.  Some internal introspection if you will.  See here is the hypocrisy of myself, for as off the cuff and colorful as I am, I am also just as even keeled, level-headed and down to earth.  So if you are here sheerly for the amusement factor, look away now from the mess that is to follow, shield your eyes and come back in a few days after the emotional blood shed has lapsed.  I promise, it will only hurt for a second :p

As my last post alluded to I have been under the weather and I needed some time for recuperation, hence the lack of posting.  However its much, much more than that.  Nothing in my life is ever clear-cut and dry.

I’m sick, I take countless pills a day trying to manage all my symptoms, yet am still constantly ill.  Not just your normal “oh I have a cold” sick.  The kind where I have debilitating headaches that alter my functioning unless controlled by high doses of daily anti-seziure medication.  The kind where there are more days than not where I don’t wake up feeling a rattle in my chest, a sniffle in my nose or butterflies in my stomach.  The kind where I am left sheerly and utterly exhausted, all day every day.  Not just tired or overworked, but to the point where exhaustion and pain overcome me on a daily basis and sometimes I simply can’t go on; even after getting more than enough sleep and taking an easy relaxing day.  The kind where if I do get an actual cold or flu it leaves me unable to function at all.

I am 29….29 years old and for some reason my body has betrayed me. It has been slowly been occurring over the last few years with new symptoms creeping up.  It took the doctors over 9 months to get my headaches to a manageable point so I wasn’t laying in bed every day crying in pain.  4 months ago they figured out that my immune system has been compromised and is not functioning properly; something has altered its normal functioning.  All this time I encounter countless battles in which I feel beyond miserable, yet must find the strength to go on, convince myself I’m not dying and resign myself to the fact that hopefully soon we’ll have an answer.

Then 3 weeks ago I started to intermittently lose my vision.  At first I would just have blurry episodes which I know are not prescription related as I’ve been to the optometrist.  Then it changed into periods of time/entire days where I’ve lost the ability to see out of an eye. 

As stupid as this sounds, I didn’t think too much of it then. It was simply annoying as all hell.  I’ve also been battling 2 colds during this time and more focused on those.  That was until I started to have an episode with my right hand.  I’ve lost over 50% of my strength in it, lost the majority of my finer motor skills and essentially lost most of its nerve function, coupled with crippling pain.  Which if you know me & what I do, it sucks big time…. my hands are the essence of my livelihood.

I went in thinking it was carpal tunnel and I think they did too, until they essentially stabbed my hand and I couldn’t feel it.  After a few more repeated stabbings and what not the barrage began.  Had my vision had been ok lately? “Ummm no” What about your speech? “Actually come to think of it, I’ve been slurring words a bit and that’s not like me…..”  Feet?  “Cold and numb and tingly like always” How is your balance lately? ”Well….” and that’s when the tests started.

7 vials of blood, 25 x rays later and being scheduled for an EMG, MRI & Spinal tap…..

“Possible multiple sclerosis”

And now I play the testing waiting game.

My body is betraying me, I’m not even 30 and here is the very realistic, unsexy side of me: I dropped so many things at work today I almost wound up in tears.  What I was able to do I was still in such miserable deep internal pain that I broke down and called the doctor for a script, only to find out she is out until Monday.  I ended up slicing my hand open yet didn’t realize it until I was dripping blood on the table.  Around 3:00 I was so frustrated, so exhausted, so done with it all (this is how it gets everyday) that I had to stop, go sit down and try to stop myself from breaking down.

As awful as it sounds, a concrete diagnosis of MS at this point would be a small relief.  There is no cure, it is debilitating and in the long run a very scary, “unsexy” disease.  But my body is already betraying me on a daily basis and continuing with a rapid pace.  The last 3 months of Mr. Big’s & my relationship I went from sick to beyond sick and I was miserable.  He accounted my misery to him, when it was to my deteriorating condition, but then again he also couldn’t handle it and left me while I was literally on my sick-bed.  I am sick and tired and in pain constantly and above all scared…..

Because since then it has progressed, I have a good week thrown in every once in a while, compounded by worse upon worse weeks.  So at this point I need a diagnosis, any correct diagnosis- so we can start a correct treatment plan. So I can have a few more good weeks thrown in amidst the bad, so I can not feel like a train has run over my body and that I have full control over it again.  So I can feel like a normal almost 30-year-old hot sexy singleite (whatever the hell that feels like, lol).

So bring on the MRI & spinal tap, I can’t say that I am exactly looking forward to them, but I am embracing them the best I can.

In an ending thought to the unsexy side of myself, I recall a statement my younger cousin once made to me upon learning that I collect bird ornaments: (stop laughing, or when I do feel better, I will kick your ass ) “It’s a good thing you have someone (which I did at the time), because no one would ever want to date you once they find your collection of these.”

My dear, dear cousin….. I think my love of birds is probably the last thing that should concern me about scaring off anyone wanting to get involved with me anymore, lol.  That is just a small needle in the haystack at this point.